Episode 252
· 12:35
Hi I'm Keith and welcome to Lighter than You Started. It's Wednesday and today I'd like to ask you a question. How many things are you currently remembering for somebody else? Not your things, theirs. Perhaps you've asked someone to do something.
Keith:They've agreed and technically that task is no longer yours except you're still thinking about it. I wonder if they remembered. I should probably remind them. Did they send that email? Have they booked that appointment?
Keith:Will they remember to take that with them? Perhaps I'll just check. And so although somebody else is doing the task you're still carrying it which is an interesting arrangement. They have the job you have to worry about the job. A very efficient division of labor for them.
Keith:We do this in families at work with friends in relationships sometimes because we're the one who's naturally organised sometimes because we've learned that if we don't remember something it may not happen sometimes because we're trying to help and sometimes because letting somebody else be responsible for something is considerably harder than simply doing it ourselves. There's a particular form of mental load involved in being the person who remembers. Not necessarily doing everything but just knowing everything that needs doing. Who needs to be where? When something's due?
Keith:What needs buying? What somebody said they'd do? Which form needs returning? Whose birthday is coming up? Whether that appointment's been booked?
Keith:Whether somebody's replied? Whether something's been followed up? Each thing can be tiny but tiny things accumulate. A pebble isn't heavy. Carry enough of them around in your pockets all day and you may start to notice.
Keith:And perhaps one reason this becomes exhausting is that the responsibility can remain invisible. From the outside you're not doing anything. You're just remembering, monitoring, checking, prompting, following up, holding a small space opening your mind until somebody else completes something. It's rather like having 20 browser tabs open. Most of them aren't doing anything particularly demanding but you know they're there.
Keith:And occasionally one starts playing music and you've absolutely no idea which one it is. Perhaps you've delegated something at work. You've explained it, agreed when it needs to be done, the other person's perfectly capable and then you keep checking. Not necessarily with them perhaps only in your head. I wonder how they're getting on.
Keith:Should I ask? Maybe I should send them that extra information. Perhaps I should just do that bit myself and before long delegation has become you do it and I'll continue carrying it emotionally until you're finished. That's not always necessary. Of course there are situations where checking matters.
Keith:If you're responsible for a project you may genuinely need to know where things are. If you're caring for a child, someone vulnerable or someone who needs support reminders may be part of that responsibility. If something is safety critical perhaps don't use today's podcast as justification for saying well I decided to trust that someone else to check the brakes. Please check the brakes. This isn't about abandoning genuine responsibilities.
Keith:It's about noticing the ones we've quietly adopted that may not actually belong to us. Particularly when the other person's capable of carrying them. Perhaps as a useful question is this mind to do, mind to remind or mind to trust? I like that distinction. Some things are ours to do.
Keith:We agreed to them. They're our responsibility. Do those. Some things genuinely are ours to remind. Perhaps we're coordinating something.
Keith:Perhaps somebody has asked us to remind them. Perhaps we're supporting someone who needs that help. Fine. But some things are simply ours to trust. We've asked.
Keith:They would read. Now perhaps we let them carry it and that can feel surprisingly uncomfortable because trust involves allowing the possibility that somebody might do something differently from us. Later than us. In another order. Without giving us regular progress reports.
Keith:They may even leave it until the last minute. Some people have a relationship with deadlines that I would personally describe as unnecessarily exciting. But if a job gets done perhaps their method doesn't have to become our mental burden. This is where we can accidentally confuse they're not doing it yet with they're not going to do it. Those are not the same thing.
Keith:Maybe their Tuesday afternoon isn't organized the way yours would be. Maybe they haven't forgotten. Maybe they simply haven't done it yet. And if they're forgotten? Well sometimes allowing capable people to experience in the consequences of forgetting is part of letting responsibility genuinely belong to them.
Keith:That's difficult especially when it would be so easy to remind them or rescue them or quietly sort it out ourselves. Because if we step in every time two things can happen. They learn that somebody else will keep track and we learn that we have to. Neither is particularly freeing. There's something else worth acknowledging.
Keith:Sometimes we become the person who remembers because we're good at him and people begin to rely on us. Ask Keith, he'll know. Keith will remember. Keith will have it somewhere. It's nice to be dependable.
Keith:There's nothing wrong with being the organised person. But dependable doesn't have to mean permanently responsible for everyone else's memory. Perhaps occasionally the answer can be I'm not sure you'll need to check. A very ordinary sentence. But for someone to trust them to carry in the mental filing cabinet for everyone else quite a revolutionary one.
Keith:There's also the habit of reminding people before they've had the chance to remember themselves. Perhaps you've asked someone to do something by Friday. It's Wednesday and you're already considering sending just a quick reminder. Why? Maybe they haven't forgotten.
Keith:Maybe Friday still exists. Sometimes we remind people because we want relief from remembering. If we send the message perhaps we can stop worrying about it. It's that often we don't. We send a reminder then start wondering whether they've seen the reminder.
Keith:The mental loader has now developed an additional department. Perhaps instead we can create clearer handovers. Could you take responsibility for this? Not just could you do this task. There's a subtle difference.
Keith:Doing the task means they perform the action. Taking responsibility means they also remember it plan it and make sure it happens. That's the bit we often forget to hand over. We delegate the action but we retain the management. At home this can happen with ordinary things.
Keith:Someone says just tell me what needs doing. That sounds helpful and perhaps it is but somebody still has to notice what he's doing. Think about it. Prioritise it. Remember it.
Keith:Then assign it. The physical job may have been shared. The mental job hasn't. Perhaps sometimes the more useful question is what can you take ownership of? Then that ownership mean ownership.
Keith:Not you own it but I'll remain available as your unpaid notification system. Of course none of us will get this perfectly right. We care about people. We remind them. They remind us.
Keith:We pick things up for each other. That's part of relationships. Today's thought isn't about drawing rigid boundaries around every tiny responsibility. I'm sorry but loading the dishwasher falls within your jurisdiction until nineteen hours. Probably unnecessary.
Keith:It's simply about noticing when helping has quietly turned into carrying. When someone else's responsibility has taken up permanent residence in your head and whether you could hand over a little more than the task. Perhaps today there's one thing you've asked someone else to do but you're still mentally holding. Ask yourself is it mine to do, mine to remind or mine to trust? If it's yours to do do what you can.
Keith:If it's generally yours to remind remind. But if it's theirs perhaps let it become theirs fully. You may need to tolerate a little uncertainty. They may do it differently. They may do it later.
Keith:They might even forget. And if they do perhaps you can deal with that when it happens rather than carrying the possibility of it happening all day. Because we can spend an enormous amount of energy trying to prevent other capable adults from ever dropping a ball. Sometimes the ball is there perhaps they can hold it. Today's thought for you.
Keith:You don't need to keep track for everyone. Sometimes handing over the task means handing over the remembering too. Thank you for sharing this moment with me and as always I hope you end today feeling lighter than you started. Go gently and I'll see you tomorrow on the flip side. You can now listen to the Lighter Than You Started podcast on Alexa.
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