Episode 239 - You Don't Need to Make It Better

Hi I'm Keith and welcome to Lighter than You Started. It's Thursday and today I'd like to talk about something we often do when someone we care about tells us they're having a difficult time. We try to make it better. Someone tells us they're worried about something and we offer a solution. They tell us about a difficult conversation and we suggest what they should say next.

They tell us they're disappointed and we remind them of all the reasons they shouldn't be. They say I've had a really difficult day and almost before they finish the sentence we're looking for the silver lining. At least tomorrow might be better. Try not to worry about that. I'm sure it will work out.

Usually it comes from kindness. We don't like seeing people we care about struggle. We want to help and doing something feels more useful than simply sitting there. But perhaps helping doesn't always mean fixing. Sometimes the person sitting opposite us isn't asking for an answer.

They're asking for somewhere to put what they are carrying. And perhaps our job isn't to take it apart or repair it or hand it back neatly packaged. Perhaps our job is simply to make enough room for them to set it down for a while. There's a phrase we use quite often. I don't know what to say.

We tend to say it apologetically as though we somehow failed the conversation. But perhaps not knowing what to say isn't always a problem. Sometimes there genuinely are not any useful words. Someone's disappointed. Something has gone wrong.

The situation is painful and no clever sentence is going to make you disappear and maybe that's okay. Because perhaps a person doesn't need our wisdom. Perhaps they need our presence. Imagine you're carrying a heavy box. Someone sees you struggling and immediately starts telling you the best technique for lifting boxes.

They explain where you should put your hands. How you should bend your knees. How perhaps you shouldn't have put so much in the box in the first place. All perfectly sensible advice. But you might well be thinking could you just hold the other end for a minute?

Emotional support can sometimes be like that. We've become so focused on solving the problem that we miss the simpler invitation. Stay with me while this is difficult. That's a very different kind of help and sometimes it's the kind people remember. Not the advice Not the clever solution.

But the person who didn't rush them. The person who listened. The person who didn't immediately tell them how to feel differently. There's something quite powerful in being able to say that sounds really difficult and then stop. No but.

No immediate silver lining. No attempt to improve the sentence. Just. That sounds really difficult because sometimes acknowledging someone's experience is more comforting than trying to change it. Perhaps we worry that if we don't offer advice we're not being useful.

But listening is useful. Making someone feel heard is useful. Allowing another person to finish their story without turning it into our solution is useful. And there's another benefit. When we don't immediately start fixing we give the other person room to discover what they actually need.

Perhaps after talking for a while they're asked what do you think I should do? Wonderful! Now they want your perspective. Or perhaps they'll reach their own conclusion while they're speaking. That happens surprisingly often.

Sometimes people don't need us to find the answer. They need enough space to hear themselves think. There may also be moments when we're not sure what kind of support someone wants and there's a wonderfully simple question available to us. Would you like me to listen or would you like us to think about what you could do? I like that question because it doesn't assume.

It gives the other person a choice. Maybe they want ideas. Maybe they want reassurance. Maybe they just want five minutes where they don't have to pretend everything is fine. All three are valid.

Of course there are situations where action really is needed. If someone is in danger. If someone requires practical help. If there's a problem that we genuinely can solve then helping matters. Today's thought isn't an invitation to become more passive.

It's simply a reminder that not every difficult feeling is a problem requiring immediate repair. Some feelings need to be felt. Some disappointments need time. Some difficult days are simply difficult days. We don't have to turn them into good ones before bedtime.

And perhaps that takes some pressure off us too. Because we can't fix everything for the people we love. We can't guarantee outcomes. We can't remove every disappointment. We can't always find the words that make things okay.

That's a lot of responsibility to carry. Perhaps our responsibility is smaller and more human. To care. To notice. To listen.

To ask what would help. To stay. Sometimes that's more than enough. So if someone shares something difficult with you today perhaps notice the moment when your mind begins searching for the solution. Pause.

Listen a little longer. Maybe ask what they need. And remember you don't always have to make the problem disappear in order to make the person feel less alone with it. Today's thought for you. You don't need to make it better.

Thank you for sharing this moment and as always I hope you end today feeling lighter than you started. Go gently and I'll see you tomorrow on the flip side. Lighter than you started is a think of something publishing production.